My subversion of overconsumption has officially encountered its first big test.
I put my back out this morning. I wasn’t doing anything in particular, apart from sleeping in bed. Now I’m in pain. I’m hopped up on Robax Platinum, which does no damn good whatsoever.
I can think of only two things that could have caused my back pain. One is physical, the other is spiritual.
The physical one is simple: my bed sucks. It came with my furnished room. It’s a spongy, saggy mattress that sits on an even saggier box spring that sits on four bricks. No back could withstand such a shitty bed for long.
It’s obvious I need a new bed. But how am I supposed to get one when I’ve resolved to buy nothing new for a year? Back pain is great for melting my resolve. All I want right now is for some bed fairies to deliver a deluxe posturepedic bed, haul it up to my room, make it up with a warm duvet, fill up a hot water bottle, feed me Robax and cocoa, tuck me in and read me stories until I fall off into a gentle, muscle relaxant-induced slumber.
Subverting consumerism through conspicuous underconsumption be damned. Who came up with this stupid project anyway? I don’t want to seek out used mattresses on Regina Freecycle or at Value Village or in alleyways. I don’t want to haul some crappy old bed home to find it smells weird or is saggy or lumpy and makes my back hurt more. What would not buying a new bed achieve? Will sleeping on a crappy bed save drowning polar bears or get generic drugs to people with AIDS or reverse climate change? Or will my actions, well-intentioned though they may be, achieve nothing?
And thus, the physical cause of my pain leads directly to the spiritual one. Last night before falling asleep I was reading Radical Simplicity by Jim Merkel. On page 9 he quotes Castaneda’s Don Juan: “We must know first that our acts are useless, and yet we must proceed as if we didn’t know it. That is a sorcerer’s controlled folly.” That made me cry. Then I tried to sleep. In the early morning before the sun was up I was awakened by searing back pain.
Maybe it was the bed that did my back in, or maybe it was the knowledge of my own futility, or probably it was a bit of both. I don’t know how to know that my actions are useless and proceed anyway. I like to think that it’s possible, and I can give myself all sorts of pep talks about not being attached to the fruits of my labour and all that good stuff. But no matter how hard I think it, I don’t know how to make myself feel it. I want to make a difference dammit! Accepting that I won’t, no matter how hard I try, is probably the single most impossible request my life will make of me. I just don’t know if it’s possible for me to accept my own futility. And yet I agree with Castaneda/Merkel that it’s my only option.
So that’s where I am. In pain, both physical and spiritual. Where to go from here is unknown.
Suggestions? Anyone?
subverting overconsumption 
5 comments
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November 28, 2006 at 4:23 am
stonehead
You’re thinking like a consumer!
Don’t be so quick to write off Freecycle. Yes, old mattresses can be grungy and disgusting, but who’s to say Freecyclers only offer old tat?
We were given a single bed and mattress (for our youngest) by a Freecycling family. The bed was very good and the mattress was almost new.
The Other Half and I have missed out on as-new kingsize mattresses three times – people buy mattresses, decide they aren’t comfortable enough or don’t suit them, and Freecycle them. We’re still looking for a new mattress – we have a 20-year-old futon mattress on a Victorian iron bed – but are confident something will come along in its own time.
You just need to chill, think positive and act positive. The more you give, the more you receive – and I’m not just talking material goods!
Freecycling has seen us gain several friendships as well as furnishing a lot of our house, but only because we give freely of ourselves, our time and our stuff.
More practically, have you tried putting the mattress on the floor? That can work wonders if the bed is rubbish.
November 28, 2006 at 11:51 pm
goodgirlculture
I appreciate the kick in the pants. I absolutely agree I haven’t given Freecycle a fair chance (though I was discouraged when I posted looking for Christmas lights and the first response was someone trying to sell me some…what do you think about reporting that?). That aside, I’m definitely still committed to using the service (both get stuff and give stuff).
I think what I was really trying to get at with this post is how fragile my resolve to change can feel. It’s one thing to be 100% committed to reducing my footprint when I’m feeling healthy and happy. But as soon as I was in pain and feeling down and futile, it suddenly became very difficult to convince myself why I should bother. When I’m feeling the least bit vulnerable it can be pretty easy to get overwhelmed and then start to despair about the state of the world. As a society we seem to disconnect when we get overwhelmed, and then we channel our disconnectivity into addictive patterns like consumption. I really want to become more aware of that process, both personally and culturally.
Anyway, the good news on the bed front is that my roommate thought his bed was too firm and so traded me…what a total blessing. The back is at about 85%, and the state of mind at around 90%.
November 29, 2006 at 12:48 am
stonehead
You should definitely report any attempts by people to sell stuff through Freecycle. It completely undermines the ethos and intent of the network.
Now to the real point, it’s when you’re feeling down and vulnerable that you most need to be positive, generous and outward focused. Yes, it’s very, very hard to do (I speak from experience) but ask yourself which will make you feel best – doing something generous and positive when you’re on top of the world, or doing it when you’re in the pits?
I’m pleased to hear you have a better bed. As I said in my previous post, just chill, think positive, act positive and good things do come your way. And don’t forget what your roommate has done and remember to do something for him when he needs it most.
November 29, 2006 at 4:05 am
shando
i dunno, homes.. having just spent a couple months spinning my wheels in the mud doing everything i knew to invite action, i realised last night it’s more likely that i needed that time to spin, feel somewhat in control (just by being an active participant in life really – “like you have a pulse” as my mom said), and exhaust everything to the point of really deep surrender.
so? i give up.
i have a crap bed too. been enjoying the flat hardness of my yoga mat in end relaxation.. so?
courage! as someone once said to someone who told me: sometimes it just comes down to perseverance. so?
so way to attract the comments.
so life is weird.
so we will meet again. love ya, sm.
November 29, 2006 at 8:14 am
Moonwaves
That quote reminds me of a quote from Gandhi which I saw a few years ago and liked so much I had it taped to my PC in work. “Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.” I frequently felt (and feel) like what I am doing is insignificant and it seemed hugely important to me for someone to say that regardless of how insignificant it was it was still important to do it.
Just to prove that it takes all kinds a co-worker was positively shocked when she saw that quote and thought it was a very depressing, negative idea. I think perhaps because she was a generally more positive person than me anyway and so never really felt insignificant herself.